PJs and THE HOME OFFICE

 

I picked up a copy of Esquire at the airport and had a good laugh reading the following in Ask Nick Sullivan (‘The Esquire fashion director goes the extra mile to answer your questions):

Q:  I work at home, so I wear pajamas all day long, and when I leave the house, I find wearing pants confining. Could you recommend some pant that approximate the relaxed freedom of pajamas?  – Gabriel Lichstein, LA, California

A:  No, Gabriel. No, I cannot. Put on some grown-up clothes and you just might find that being properly dressed focuses your mind. Or try a kilt.

I think Homer Simpson had the same problem.

NEW CARS AND FRIENDS

 

Over the weekend I came across the web article ‘Ooops I borrowed your expensive car and crashed’. The pictures are from the site ‘Wrecked Exotics’, which is a site filled with pictures of super expensive cars – smashed. As you read through them, there are a few that stand out. The most notable is the story of the guy who lent his brand new GT3 to a buddy while at the race track.

Porsche 911 GT3 (Photo: WreckedExotics.com)

I cannot imagine.

DO YOU DATE?

 

I had a very interesting taxi ride the other day with a fellow in St. John (New Brunswick). He was the chatty type and proceeded to tell me all about himself, getting on a tanker to Aruba as a 15 year old, how his family never owned a car until he bought one at 16 (a 1957 Chevy) and how he often got into trouble as a kid.

He then proceed to make a joke about how his girlfriend made his wife mad the other day. He then followed it up with ‘Actually, that is a true story”, followed by an explanation of how he had been booted out of the house, after a year started dating a woman, went back with his wife but kept the girlfriend. At which point he turned to me and said “Do you date?”

Surprised, I responded, “Uh, no. I did a long time ago. But I am happily married".”

He smiled and said “Well good for you! It can get complicated. If you ever change your mind, I know a nurse”

With that I arrived at the airport, with a laugh.

`

THIS WEEKS MOST HUMOROUS STORY: TIGER ON FAMILY VALUES

 

Read Tiger Wood’s on family values here. My favourite quote:

Asked in the interview "family first and golf second…always been like that?", Woods replied: "Always. Always."

He goes on to say that having a family – he has two young children with wife Elin Nordegren – "has been great, actually, the best thing that ever happened."

The only funnier thing is the speed at which Accenture removed all his ads from their websites.

ON PROCRASTINATING IN FRONT OF A FIRE

 

You know how you are wandering past a book store on a street or in an airport and all of a sudden you feel compelled to buy a book? And it is that odd book that you wouldn’t usually buy. Then you put the book in your bag and instead of reading it, right then and there, you forget about that book. And a few years later, you are unpacking all of your books after moving back from Europe and you find that book and wonder ‘What compelled me to buy that book?’.

I am sure that has happened to all of us.

Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans is that book for me. I found it the other evening while the boys were doing homework, the fireplace was on and I was in a mood to procrastinate (which means, I didn’t feel like ticking off one of the never ending action items that adorn the board with the title ‘Michael’s list’).

Which lead me to a couple articles which I ended up reading to the boys, my favourite being On the Implausibility of The Death Star’s Trash Compactor. The following quote sums it up (note, you have to have a certain type of humour – which means you are one of those people who loves Monty Python):

3. Why does the trash compactor compact trash so slowly, and with such difficulty, once the resistance of a thin metal rod is introduced? Surely metal Death Star pieces are one of the main items of trash in need of compacting. It thus stands to reason that the trash compactor should have been better designed to handle the problem of a skinny piece of metal. (And while I hate to be the sort of person who says I told you so, I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that a one-movable-wall system would have improved performance.)

It also lead me to root around the McSweeneys site and too many LOL articles to comment on, so I point to two:

Teddy Wayne’s Unpopular Proverbs:

Unity.

A house divided against itself cannot stand. Wait, I forgot about duplexes. Duplexes are the exact literal definition of bifurcated housing. I can be such an idiot sometimes.

Imitation.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Also, believe me when I say you’re very attractive and brilliant.

Perseverance.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again, and by the fourth failed attempt, it’s probably time to give up and admit that you’ll never be a decent recreational juggler.  (Which is reminiscent of this poster).

And of course, a few funny jokes:

A man walks into a bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.
Later that night, he goes home alone and reflects on the poor decisions he’s made in life.

A little worthwhile downtime.

I HAVE A JOB BUT I AM TEMPTED

 

So many opportunities to get rich lately:

I am Sung Johnson I have a business proposal for you, If interested contact via email :sung_johnson12@yahoo.com

MY HUSBAND DEPOSITED 7.5 MILLION POUND WITH A BANK, I AM DYING, STAND-IN AS MY BENEFICIARY AND COLLECT THE FUND TO FINANCE CHARITY ORGANIZATION, REPLY TO: shg56@btinternet.com

With this one, I wonder what God is going to do when this person(s) ….

Geetings from Jenny Lee,
after going through your information over the internet i decided to contact you for friendship and assistance for distribution of my inheritance towards charity. My name is Jenny Lee; I am a dying woman who has decided to donate what I have for the good work of charity. I am 60 years old and I was diagnosed for breast cancer for about 2 years now. I have been touched by God to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to you for the good work of God, rather than allow my husband evil relatives to use my husband hard earned funds ungodly. They don’t care about man kind, all they care is how to rob some money from me and spend them ungodly. Please pray that the good Lord forgives me my sins. I have asked God to forgive me and I believe he has because He is a merciful God. I will be going in for a surgery soon and I want to make sure that I make this donation before undergoing my surgery.
I decided to donate the sum of $2,500,000 (two million five hundred thousand dollars) to you for the good work of the lord, and also to help the motherless and less privilege and also for the assistance of the widows and unfortunate mothers. At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls right now due to the fact that my husband’s relatives are always around me and trying to see if they can overhear my conversations and my health status as well.
I wish you all the best and may the good Lord bless you abundantly, and please use the funds well and always extend the good work to others. I have informed my consultant about the ($2,500,000.00). it is true that I don’t know you and you don’t know, but I have been directed by God to contact you for this. Thanks and God bless. I will direct you further after hearing from you.
NB: I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality in this matter until the task is accomplished as I don’t want anything that will jeopardize my wish. Also I will be contacting with you only by email as I don’t want my husband relations or anybody to know because they are always around me.
Reply me through this my most private email: (madamlee55@yahoo.com.hk)
Regards,
Mrs. Jenny Lee.

This one is good, because the email is from Amir (with an African email address, but note the signature. Bill sounds so much more trustworthy than Amir I guess …

Dear Friend,
With due respect to your person, I am Mr Bill Joyce E. I kindly wish to ask for your attention and consideration just for a while. I know this is certainly not the appropriate channel to contact you but situation necessitated This medium. However, I am sincerely sorry for any inconveniences this may cause you. I am a senior staff of a bank here in LONDON, and I have a business opportunity to propose to you which would be of mutual benefit to both parties if carefully executed. I am the account officer and personal
friend to Colin Morley who died in the July 2005 London bomb blast. Colin Morley was a good client of my bank, before he
was killed in the 2005 London bomb blast; he however has a deposit of Nine million two hundred thousand British Pounds(9.2Million GBP)with the bank and his family members are not aware of this particular account due to the perennial crisis in his marital life. As his close confidant and an account officer, he warned me on the implication of disclosing his account status to any  member of his family, For more details and confirmation please try and visit this site below for clarification: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/4741333.stm
Based on the afore-mentioned, I want you to join me in facilitating the claim of this money for our own personal use.  All I need do is to present you as the partner and next of kin to the deceased. The bank would transfer the funds to you as the beneficiary .Please note the urgency in this transaction and a timely response is required so that we can beat their deadline.
Please have no fear for I assure you that all relevant documents needed to make this deal successful shall be forwarded to you as soon as I receive a positive response from you. Note that we need joint effort to make this deal successful. I believe strongly that if this deal is carefully executed, it would be of great benefit to both of us.  Waiting earnestly for your response.
Reply me on: mr.billjdesk@hawamail.com
Best regard,
Mr. Bill Joyce

Congratulations your email have been selected by the Microsoft® Award Organization, for the sum payout of (£1,000.000.00) British Pounds For this year 2009 Microsoft® Award .Contact your payment officer. ith your Batch #:409978E and Reference No: FL/668530092 end email to (barr.arthurjamesesq44@adnise.net) for claim.

So many choices.

AN EDMONTON CAB DRIVER

 

My discussion with a cabbie in Edmonton went like this yesterday:

Hello Sir, can I take your bag?

Thanks. Sure.

Can I have the other bag too (pointing at my laptop bag), it is a lethal weapon.

Pardon?

Your bag, it is potentially lethal. If we crash, it could turn into a projectile weapon and kill me. I will not drive with it in the back seat.

(I look around. Rod, Rod Serling, are you there?)  What if I put it on the floor?

Nope. Still could kill me.

Seriously? Hundreds of thousands of people travel with them in cabs every day. I have never heard of a taxi cab laptop related death yet. Not even in the Inquirer.

I will not take your laptop bag inside the car. Want me to call you another cab?

(I got the sense that he had said that many times before). Yes please.

(Turning to the net guy, he starts over). Can I take your bag and the projectile weapon on your shoulder?

This of course lead me to a whole new business venture. A copyright on the sticker below. Expect to see it on a cab near you …. I can see the money rolling in already …

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THE 2009 BULWER-LYTON AWARDS ARE IN!

 

In case you are unaware of these awards, the Bulwer-Lytton Awards are for inventing the worst imaginable opening to a novel. The awards honour the original author, who turns over in his grave many times every year thanks to these awards. The quote that made him the right choice for the awards:

"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents–except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."

–Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, Paul Clifford (1830)

I thought to look him up, turns out Lord Bulwer-Lytton is quite an accomplished writer (the above left aside):

Edward George Earle Lytton Bulwer-Lytton, 1st Baron Lytton PC (25 May, 1803–18 January, 1873), was an English novelist, poet, playwright, and politician. Lord Lytton was a florid, popular writer of his day, who coined such phrases as "the great unwashed", "pursuit of the almighty dollar", "the pen is mightier than the sword", and the infamous incipit "It was a dark and stormy night."

He was the youngest son of General William Earle Bulwer of Heydon Hall and Wood Dalling, Norfolk and Elizabeth Barbara Lytton, daughter of Richard Warburton Lytton of Knebworth, Hertfordshire. He had two brothers, William Earle Lytton Bulwer (1799–1877) and Henry, afterwards Lord Dalling and Bulwer.

Lord Lytton’s original surname was Bulwer, the names ‘Earle’ and ‘Lytton’ were middle names. On 20 February 1844 he assumed the name and arms of Lytton by royal licence and his surname then became ‘Bulwer-Lytton’. His widowed mother had done the same in 1811. His brothers were always simply surnamed ‘Bulwer’.

Lord Lytton had quite a career, but will always be remembered in the awards that honour him. The full award list of 2009 award winners can be read here. My favourite from this year:

Winner: Detective

She walked into my office on legs as long as one of those long-legged birds that you see in Florida – the pink ones, not the white ones – except that she was standing on both of them, not just one of them, like those birds, the pink ones, and she wasn’t wearing pink, but I knew right away that she was trouble, which those birds usually aren’t.

Eric Rice
Sun Prairie, WI

Enjoy.

BETTER OFF TED. LIFE …. BETTER.

 

As I have mentioned before, I enjoy TV. I enjoy it when it is on a PVR, a DVD or my hardrive and I can watch it when I want. We came across this quirky ABC show recently called Better Off Ted. It follows an executive at Veridian Dynamics, an industrial conglomerate that does pretty much everything. The trailer:

 

Throughout the show they insert corporate commercials, very witty:

 

And of course, someone had to make their own commercial, covering when Obama asked for free air time:

 

Love a witty show. So few out there.

IF THEY LIVED IN BARRIE

 

An email is floating around ‘What celebrities would look like if they lived in Barrie‘ (Which is a place I use to live near in Canada). These were taken from a site which appears to love satirizing celebrities, found here. The Tom Cruise picture is the best, the power of Photoshop.

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CAT VERSUS DOG

 

We have a cat who seems to be the bane of my existance. Don’t get me wrong – he is the most affectionate, crazy, amazing cat you will ever meet. He has the personality of a dog. He is also, deep down, a little sadistic. He often eliminates right beside the litter tray and has this favorite spot on the welcome mat where he likes to mark his territory – so that when people walk in, they know who is boss.

This has been going on for years. A war of attrition that I don’t seem to be winning despite web camera spying (to prove to Narda that it was him) and every device know to mankind including a motion sensing air blow horn (I laugh each time it goes off .. and evil, mad scientist type of laugh because I won one for the good guys).

Which makes this particularly funny, and very true. My dog just loved me …. The lives of a dog versus a cat:

Dog’s Diary……

8:00 am – Dog food! My favourite thing!

10:30 am – A car ride! My favourite thing!

10:40 am – A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

12:00 pm – Lunch! My favourite thing!

1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favourite thing!

3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!

5:00 pm – Milk bones! My favourite thing!

8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!

11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

Cat’s Diary – Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released & seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously brain damaged.

I STARTED SOMETHING

 

Recently, I played a prank on someone to teach them a lesson about leaving their laptop open. It was an email to the entire team that started with ‘I just wanted to express how much I love you guys’ (or something like that).

Someone followed up with this Dilbert … People now lock their laptops (smile).

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Oops.

A PATH TO A VERY FUNNY VIDEO

 

A few months ago I was out for dinner with clients and relating my experiences in the UK. During the conversation I mentioned my challenge on newspapers. Every Saturday required the acquisition of the Financial Times, but I was confused around my secondary paper. I knew I did not want the Sun as it is exactly like the Sun at home, the kind of paper that shows up on the construction site. So I was going back and forth between The Times and The Independent.

You may laugh at this, but it is a difficult thing. Horror came across my dinner companions face, ‘The Times? That is a right wing paper! Think Fox news! You need to read the Guardian’ OK. So I switched to The Guardian and it has turned out to be the right secondary paper, not because of the political bias but because it is a great reflection of the UK culture (broad coverage and an insert that has great coverage of what is going on (theatre, etc.)). Think of it as a Toronto Star. You never buy The Star by itself, you need The National Post too.

Which lead me to a write up on Stephen Colbert and his new book, I am America (And so can you!). As a big fan of Jon Stewart, I had to laugh at his caricature of the right wingers. That lead me to what was called the event of 2006, Stephen Colbert hosting the White House Correspondents’ Dinner:

On April 29, 2006, American comedian Stephen Colbert appeared as the featured entertainer at the 2006 White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner, which was held in Washington, D.C., at the Hilton Washington hotel. Colbert’s performance consisted of a 16-minute podium speech and a 7-minute video presentation, which were broadcast live across the United States on cable television networks C-SPAN and MSNBC. Standing a few yards from U.S. President George W. Bush[1]—in front of an audience filled with celebrities, politicians, and members of the White House Press Corps[2]—Colbert delivered a controversial, searing routine targeting the president and the media.[3] Cable television personality Colbert spoke in the persona of the character he plays on Comedy Central‘s popular The Colbert Report, a parody of a conservative pundit in the fashion of Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity.[4][5]

Colbert’s performance quickly became an Internet and media sensation.[6][7] Subsequent coverage has seen commentators debate the stand-alone humor content of Colbert’s performance, the political nature of his remarks, and whether there was an intentional cover-up by the media in the reporting on the routine. Time‘s James Poniewozik noted that "days after Stephen Colbert performed at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, this has become the political-cultural touchstone issue of 2006—like whether you drive a hybrid or use the term ‘freedom fries‘."[8] Writing six months later, New York Times columnist Frank Rich called Colbert’s after-dinner speech a "cultural primary" and christened it the "defining moment" of the United States’ 2006 midterm elections.[9][10]

It is worth reading the entire wikipedia entry here, as this event took on a life of its own. And for your enjoyment, watch the video, I am amazed that Bush did not get up and leave, the discomfort in the room is unbelievable.

 

As his buddy Jon Stewart said the next day on the Daily Show (on which Colbert had been a correspondent) ‘We’ve never been prouder of him, but holy shit!"[28][29]

HOW TO GET YOURSELF INTO A JAM

 

I will admit, sometimes I really get myself into a jam. Of course, my best incident is the Metamucil fiasco (A high fibre drink) which you can read here. But, yesterday was another quality entry into the journal where I really screwed up.

I was in meetings in North America with clients and they were going great. As I sat in the meetings I felt a sense of calm knowing that my flight was leaving at 1AM. For once, I was not rushing off to the airport. It was going to be a nice leisurely pace to the airport, a bite of dinner, I was going to connect with an old friend who happened to be in the same time zone and the slowly make my way to the plane. Oh, I was very wrong.

Turns out that I had not read my calendar correct. I have my assistant put my flights into the calendar, with the right time zones and all the required data so that I do not screw it up. The problem is, when I first looked at my agenda as I disembarked from the UK, I had not changed my times zone. 1AM is actually 5PM pacific and I had not looked at it since I landed. Why would I? I had looked when I landed. It was 1AM and even though the little voice in my head said ‘1AM, that seems like a weird time to leave?’ – the other voice said ‘Yes, it is. But they did shift the flight out by a few hours so they must be trying to get more flights in’.

After all – why double check? It is much easier to simply rationalize it in your brain. Facts are for sissies.Chuck Norris wouldn’t check facts.

The meetings come to an end. They were great. So I open my laptop and Outlook starts chirping wildly and alarms start popping off:

‘Drive to Vancouver Airport’     OVERDUE 3 HOURS

‘Check into Airport’   OVERDUE 1 HOUR

Oh no. I check the calendar which is now on Pacific time – and there it is – you have 1 hour to get to the airport. You are 220 miles away. Good luck with that..

I feel ill.

I say good-bye to the attendees and head to the phone, ‘OK, we can get you on the Ottawa flight at 8AM tomorrow and then into Heathrow for a Saturday arrival’ GROAN. An 11 hour flight just added 24 hours.

‘Is there nothing else?’   ‘Sorry sir. Everything is sold out’.

So I start the despondent drive to the airport (which takes longer than usual due to traffic) thinking that I just added 20 hours to my trip. But I keep wondering, is there another way. The motto of ‘5 NOS to get to a YES’ kicks in. I call them back ‘Is there a way you get me to London faster? Possible?’ After discussion we come to a solution …

‘There is a flight to Toronto that arrives 6AM and then a connector to London but the Toronto is oversold by 5.’

‘What are my chances?’

‘Low’

‘Alright, please put me on standby, I will try it.’

And so I proceed to hang out in the airport for many hours to get on a plane that is oversold with the chance of not getting on and being stuck there for a night (with the hotel that is attached to the airport being sold out). It was a bit tense .. but I got the LAST seat at the back of the plane that is reserved for the attendants thanks to a lot of smiling at the check-in lady.

I am now sitting in Toronto with a triple espresso and still smiling. Next time I will double check my calendar (LOL).

FUNNY OR DIE

 

I came across this site a weeks ago and have been going back. The Will Ferrell landlord video has been viewed more than 50M times and is very funny (Not office friendly).

Poor Tom Cruise. Jerry O’Connell does a great Cruise a great parody. As an aside, the new sitcom he is in  the Carpoolers is actually very funny. After all, any show that embeds Come on Eileen in a scene is bound to be a winner. The funniest character on the show is Marmaduke, their crazy son.

If you are a Jimmy Kimmell fan (I used to love the Man Show), then you will also enjoy the videos that he has on there. Make sure you watch the Matt Damon video first (Again, not office friendly).

Last, but certainly not least, enjoy the stand-up of Demetri Martin. He is one funny comedian – I think I have watched this clip 10 times showing it to people.

DEMOTIVATION

 

A site that I have not been to in a while is www.despair.com, a play on Successories. I will admit that I have bought a lot of stuff from Successories over the years and nothing from Despair, but they do provide a great laugh. My favourite despair items:

The write up on this card is great – the card is perfect for China, China and of course, China.

Achievement

Ah yes.

Consulting

A new one that made me laugh. What – a 33 hour work week?

Effort

I get dragged into a LOT of meetings just like this …  A LOT. In an effort to stop the madness I have asked for an agenda and a default of 1/2 hour meetings to try and stop the madness.

Meetings

This reminds me of the scene in Caddyshack where the Doctor says ‘Well the world needs ditchdiggers too’ 

Potential

This one is just simply TRUE!

Tradition

I need this mug ….

And of course, my all time favourite ….

Individuality

THE ONION

 

Narda sent me one of the funniest videos I have seen in a long time, from the ONION. Enjoy (It is office friendly) …

 

My all time favorite ONION article?     A ‘letter’ from the CEO of the Gillette Company: £$^%^ Everything, We’re Doing 5 Blades. Warning – profanity and a lot of laughter. This is pretty funny too.

 

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IRISH

 

I was reminded of a story about myself by an old Irish boss recently. It made me laugh.

After losing to Larry Skinner in the demorama at OE* for not using humor. I accused you of being culturally disadvantaged.  I said asking a Dutchmen to exhibit humor is like asking an Englishman to exhibit passion.  To which you immediately replied "or an Irishman restraint". 

* The field sales force of Office Equipment (Division of Canon Canada) competed against each other demonstrating the newest office copier – the GP55 (Their first digital – network ready – fax – copier). The winner received a new computer (A screaming 486DX2), 2nd place was a set of Canon speakers. I still have those speakers. I doubt that if I had won the computer that I would still have it. So in the end – I won (smile).

Addition: A Scottish joke sent to me:

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, ‘Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?’

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Pes off, ye’ll no bring it back ."

 

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BULWER-LYTTON FICTION AWARD 2007

 

I blogged about this award a few years ago. From wikipedia:

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (BLFC) is a tongue-in-cheek contest that takes place annually and is sponsored by the English Department of San José State University in San Jose, California. Entrants are invited "to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels" — that is, deliberately bad. A prize of US$250 is awarded.

The contest was initiated in 1982 by Professor Scott Rice and is named "in honor" of English novelist and playwright Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, author of the much-quoted first line "It was a dark and stormy night." This opening continues floridly:

"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents, except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."

The site is worth a look. The 2007 overall winner was Jim Gleeson, a media technician from Madison, Wisconsin. His entry was:

"Gerald began — but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them "permanently" meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash — to pee."

A few more worth mentioning:

The 2006 overall winner was Jim Guigli, a retired mechanical designer for the Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory, from Carmichael, California. "My motivation for entering the contest," he joked, "was to find a constructive outlet for my dementia." His entry was:

"Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you’ve had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean."

The 2005 overall winner was Dan McKay, a Microsoft analyst from Fargo, North Dakota. His entry likened a woman’s breasts to carburetors:

"As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual."

Prior winners of the award include Gary Dahl, inventor of the Pet Rock, in the 2000 contest.

Winners in different categories for 2007. I laughed out loud at the children’s book.

 

Winner: Children’s Literature

Danny, the little Grizzly cub, frolicked in the tall grass on this sunny Spring morning, his mother keeping a watchful eye as she chewed on a piece of a hiker they had encountered the day before.

Winner: Detective

I’d been tailing this guy for over an hour while he tried every trick in the book to lose me: going down side streets, doubling back, suddenly veering into shop doorways, jumping out again, crossing the street, looking for somewhere to make the drop, and I was going to be there when he did it because his disguise as a postman didn’t have me fooled for a minute.

Winner: Fantasy Fiction

Lady Guinevere heard it distinctly, a sharp slap, as if a gauntlet had been thrown, and yet it was hardly plausible that she, perched delicately on the back of her cantering steed, should be challenged to ride faster, since protocol determined that Arthur should ride in front, then she, then Lancelot, for that was the order prescribed by Merlin, ever since he invented the carousel.

Winner: Purple Prose

Professor Radzinsky wove his fingers together in a tweed-like fabric, pinched his lips together like a blowfish, and began his lecture on simile and metaphor, which are, like, similar to one another, except that similes are almost always preceded by the word ‘like’ while metaphors are more like words that make you think of something else beside what you are describing.

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PETER KAY: Make them laugh

 

Peter Kay is a very popular comedian over here. I have yet to see or hear him perform (put that on the to-do list). But a few of his classic one liners were forwarded to me, the best of them:

 

  • I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said ‘Thyroid problem?’
  • When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
  • I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don’t get on with my real ladder.
  • I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
  • I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
  • I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
  • You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither

PETER KAY’S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

 

  • Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
  • At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
  • Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
  • You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
  • You never know where to look when eating a banana.
  • You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
  • The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
  • Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

 

  • If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
  • Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’?
  • Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
  • Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
  • Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out’?
  • What do people in China call their good quality plates?
  • If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
  • Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

ONTARIO

 

Sent to me by a Brit …

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Ontario scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by Ontario, in the weeks that followed, Quebec scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the Que. newspapers read: "Quebec archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than Ontario."

One week later, "The Telegram", a St. John’s, Newfoundland newspaper reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in Tatey fields near Krinkle Kove,  Jarge Krump, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.  Jarge has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Newfoundlanders were already using wireless."

WHEN TWO PEOPLE DONT CONNECT

 

I was passing through US customs the other day and started to have a friendly chat with the officer as there was no one else in line and I was stuck on a 3 hour layover.

I walked up and said hello followed by a quick ‘How is your day going?’. He responded ‘A nutty day and I am tired’. I responded ‘Know what you mean, just got off the plane and am exhausted’.

Instantly, his eyes twinkled and there was a rush of testosterone as he sensed a challenge ‘Oh yah? How long have you been up?’ I could sense it, he thought he had me and he was thinking ‘Yah, whatever Mr. just got out of business class after your 4 hour flight and custom served meal’.

HA! (I thought to myself).

‘Well, lets see, in your time? I would have got up at about …. (calculating with my fingers) .. 1AM your time’ (It was 3PM at that point).

Clearly dejected he responded ‘Oh, that is early. I was up at 3AM’. (SUCKER, said my inside voice doing a dance of victory).

I decided to throw the poor guy a bone ‘3AM? That is brutal and one heck of a long shift – after all, I was just sitting on my butt for 11 hours, you were working! I hope you are off soon’

Perking up, getting back some sense of a win ‘Yah, it was crazy and I am not off for another 4 hours, overtime’.

OK, I am a little curious, ‘Why was it crazy, it is a Monday?’

He explains ‘Because the illegals try to get back in after thanksgiving’ . Interesting. When I think illegal alien, I am thinking European or South American, so I ask ‘What is your most exotic location that someone was from today?’

He thinks for a minute and of course asks a clarifying question, ‘Most exotic?’ .. ‘Yep, where is the most exotic location someone came from trying to get in?’

Now at this point I am curious, will he mention Libya or Sri Lanka or Mexico or Brazil, or something. After all, it was a CRAZY day. He continues to think, the suspense builds and finally he hits me with it ….

TORONTO.

I look at him. Laughed. Then say good-bye.

THE LATEST FASHION

 

A joke email sent to me, and too good to pass up …..

Last weekend I put an exhaust fan in the ceiling for my wife’s grandfather.  While my wife’s brother and I were fitting the fan in between the joists, we found something under the insulation. What we found was this:

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A JC Penney catalog from 1977. It’s not often blog fodder just falls in my lap, but this was two solid inches of it, right there for the taking. I thumbed through it quickly and found my next dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels … And I am totally getting this for my bathroom:

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There’s plenty more home furnishings where those came from, however I’m not going to bore you with that. Instead, I’m going to bore you with something else. The clothes.The clothes are fantastic.

Here’s how to get your ass kicked in elementary school:


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Here’s how to get your ass kicked in high school:
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This kid looks like he’s pretending to be David Soul, who is pretending to be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15.

Here’s how to get your ass kicked on the golf course:

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This "all purpose jumpsuit" is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can’t see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block

Here’s how to get your ass kicked pretty much anywhere:

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Here’s how to get your ass kicked at the beach:

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He looks like he’s reaching for a gun, but you know it’s probably just a bottle of suntan lotion in a holster.

How to get your ass kicked in a meeting:
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If you wear this suit and don’t sell used cars for a living, I believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you’d be forced to wear that orange jumpsuit.

How to get your ass kicked on every day up to and including St. Patrick’s Day

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I don’t believe that color exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you’re working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

In this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys, as does your search for chest hair. And this — Seriously. No words.

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Oh wait, it turns out that there are words after all. Those words are What. The _____??? I’m guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. The little tie must be the pull tab.

Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, I’m guessing that in 1977 it was considered pretty stylish for couples to dress alike. These couples look happy, don’t they?

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I am especially fond of this one, which I have entitled "Cowboy Chachi Loves You Best."

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And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of matching bathing suits. That, and a blonde girl with a look on her face that says "I love the way your junk fights against that fabric."

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Then, after the lovin’, you can relax in your one-piece matching terry cloth jumpsuits:

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I could go on, but I’m tired, and my eyes hurt from this trip back in time. I think it’s the colors. That said, I will leave you with these tasteful little numbers:

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Man, that’s sexy.

MAN COLD

 

A colleague had a ‘man cold’. I asked – what is a ‘man cold’? He sent me to this link. The definition of a man cold from the urban dictionary:

The name ‘man cold’ disguises the true terrible, debilitating disease that is the man cold. Nearly all men will die from man colds unless they are administered immediately with large amounts of mindless TV such as daytime TV, or children’s cartoons. It is essential that they not move from bed or a comfy sofa to allow for rehabilitation, and must have tissues and man cold medicine (such as chocolate biscuits, McDonalds, or a nice cup of tea) brought to them constantly by a nearby female.

‘Either i have meningitis, end stage brain cancer, or a man cold’

I have had a man cold. It is not fun.

ELEPHANT STORY

 

For some reason, a buddy thought of me when he read this story. Not sure what that means, but it is a good story.

           In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after
           graduating from Northwestern University.
           On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull
           elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The
               elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.
           He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot
               and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As
               carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with
               his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its
           foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather
           curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense
           moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but
           being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly,
           turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant
               or the events of that day.
           Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago
               Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant
           enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to
               near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull
           elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the
           ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several
               times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
           Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help
           wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up
               his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the
           enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared
               back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk
           around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the
           railing, killing him instantly.
           Probably wasn't the same elephant.

A FEW LAUGHS

 

I picked up Readers Digest while traveling this week and it was the comedy issue. One of the articles was the funniest quotes and below are a few that I really enjoyed:

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.    Emu Philips

Women don’t always want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice.     Bill Cosby

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman ‘Where is the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.    Brian Kiley

I didn’t understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a coupe of NASCAR fans and you’ll see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. I can make fun of NASCAR fans because if they chase me, I turn right.     Alonzo Bodden

So they’re showing me, on television, the detergents getting out bloodstains. I mean, come on, you got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it. Maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem right now.

Batman never fights crime in neighborhoods that need it. Id like to see Batman fight crime in my neighborhood ‘Robin?’ ‘Yes Batman?’ Didn’t we park the car right here man?’     Dave Chappelle

Two wrong don’t make a right, but three lefts do.     Jason Love

CHUCK NORRIS TOP 10 FACTS

This website was forwarded to me and I could not help but laugh out loud. Enjoy the Top 10 Chuck Norris facts:

  • Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 
  • Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
  • Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
  • If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
  • Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  •  Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
  •  A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

A few others that did not make the top 10, but made me laugh:

  • Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.
  • Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
  • There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks. 
  • If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

SUPERBOWL

Media preferences continue to change rapidly. A few nights ago I had a few free moments and instead of watching a TV show, I went online to watch Superbowl ads – and laughed.

My favorites:

1.       This cracks me up, the Bud hitchhiker.

2.       The fist is dead – Bud Light.

3.       K-Fed for National – if you don’t know who this guy is, he is Brittany’s ex who launched a record that sold 6000 copies in the first week.

4.       Taco Bell lions.

A few previous favorites:

1.       Terry Tate – office linebacker and productivity enhancer.

2.       Bud’s yelling like a ref.

THE OFFICE PRANK

I firmly believe that to be the best at what you do – you have to love where you work and what you do. During my career – I have left companies because I did not believe in the company or did not like what they stood for (In one case – it was the ethics (lack there of) and culture that caused me to leave).

Today – I love my job. I believe in the company I work for, we are doing great things, building great products that will revolutionize the world and I have great co-workers. Which brings me to my point – I also believe that to do love your job you have to fun. And for me – that means the occasional prank.

One of the people on my team sent out the following note today – after I happened upon an unsuspecting coworker victim who had left his laptop unlocked (He later claimed that he did not realize that I was in the building or he would have been more cautious). It seems that if you go into the accessibility functions of Windows XP and use the wizard which asks questions such as “are you blind?” (click yes) – “are you deaf?” (click yes) .. that it does all kinds of cool things like create high contrast purple and black backgrounds, puts a magnifier in place, etc … (snicker).

Anti-Weening Device..

To protect against those whose *ahem* fingers become itchy around unlocked workstations:
Very, very cool.
Another great prank: Call into the person’s voicemail and put the wrong password in. In most systems, if you do it 3 times it resets their voicemail (They will wonder – how come I can’t get into voicemail?)