On the topic of out of office messages, here are a few that will never get published:

“I am not in the office today as season 5 of 24 came out on DVD today. I started watching it around 7PM last night and around 4 a.m. realized that I needed to be up in 2 hours. Instead of going to bed and coming back grumpy, I decided to pull an all-nighter. Only 10 episodes to go! See you tomorrow”

“It is sunny out. I don’t get paid enough. I am going to sit at a public pool and get a tan. I will respond if I care. Don’t hold your breath”

“Thanks for the email but I cannot respond because I am out on the golf course and the only thing that is important to me is breaking 80. I will email you a token 1 line response in between holes, but if you want action, you will have to wait until tomorrow”

“Tequila. Shots. Head hurts much. Go Away. Tomorrow me respond. Stop jackhammer. Aspirin.”

“Child sick. Surrounded by Tylenol Cold, cough medicine, orange juice, an overworked humidifier and a house that reminds me of a petri dish. Someone help me. Get me out of here”

“I am on vacation. If I win the lottery on Wednesday, I am not coming back – EVER. If I don’t, I will respond Monday”