I believe that there could be an IQ test based on airport check in. It would have common sense questions such as:

• You are allowed to bring canisters of gasoline on the aircraft as you never know if the gauges are right and the crew may need it:   A. True B. False

Recently, the woman ahead of me in the security line up (It was 6:05 am) was crying and pleading with the security staff. She was in hysterics. There was no way she could check the item that they had just examined. No way! Do you know what they do in luggage check in – they will destroy it – she wailed – a fresh bout of tears streaming down her puffy cheeks.  

Had there been an IQ test based on airport check in, she would have failed this question:

While boarding an airplane, which item are you not allowed to bring as a carry-on item?

A. Toothbrush

B. Flight of the Conchords doll

C. Your new bright pink shirt

D. A pair of freshly sharpened figure skates.

She would not have answered D.

While in Paris the other week I witnessed another act of airport stupidity. A North American tourist (decked in gold,  bright red lip stick, big hair and obnoxious track suit clothing) was standing in the line at security with her stuffed Gucci bags, getting more and more agitated. Her husband clearly knew what was going on and was becoming increasingly uncomfortable – shooting her quick glances.

She was in line 3, with approximately 3 people between her and the X-ray. She kept looking over at line 1 where 3 guards were standing and talking. There were no people in line 1, it had a fancy carpet and was separated from line 2 and 3 by a red velvet rope. I now started to observe, wondering ‘How long?’.

Not long. She mumbled something to her husband in an exasperated tone and started to lumber through line 2 (which is cumbersome with all the bags – and no ability to say ‘excuse me’), plucked the velvet rope off the hook and proceeded to the X-Ray machine in line 1, with husband in tow. The French guard gave her one look as she walked up and proceeded to put her stuff on the conveyor belt. The guard pointed – back in line – with not a word of English.

Now, this is where it got funny. What was she going to do? We are all looking at them with a smile on our face. Do you traipse back to line 3? Go to the end of the line? Nope. She just walked over to the rope, plucked it off the hook and decided to insert herself (and her poor husband) 3rd from the front of the line. OK, that ticked me off a bit. But what happened next made up for it.

As soon as she was back in line, the French security guard walked over to line 2 and asked the person BEHIND the woman to come over to security. Two minutes later she walked back and took the person in FRONT of the woman and her husband. You should have seen the woman’s face. I burst out laughing.

So what question did this woman fail?

When in France, you should recognize that the locals love tourists, love when you speak English to them, are focused on customer service and love when tourists take liberties (circle one)  A. True. B. False.

You have to admit, the French are the masters of the snub. All hail the French.