Peter Kay is a very popular comedian over here. I have yet to see or hear him perform (put that on the to-do list). But a few of his classic one liners were forwarded to me, the best of them:

• I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said ‘Thyroid problem?’
• When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
• I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don’t get on with my real ladder.
• I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
• I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
• I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
• You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither

PETER KAY’S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

• Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
• At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
• Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
• You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
• You never know where to look when eating a banana.
• You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
• The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
• Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

• If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
• Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’?
• Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
• Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out’?
• What do people in China call their good quality plates?
• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
• Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.