I picked up Readers Digest while traveling this week and it was the comedy issue. One of the articles was the funniest quotes and below are a few that I really enjoyed:

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.    Emu Philips

Women don’t always want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice.     Bill Cosby

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman ‘Where is the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.    Brian Kiley

I didn’t understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a coupe of NASCAR fans and you’ll see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. I can make fun of NASCAR fans because if they chase me, I turn right.     Alonzo Bodden

So they’re showing me, on television, the detergents getting out bloodstains. I mean, come on, you got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it. Maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem right now.

Batman never fights crime in neighborhoods that need it. Id like to see Batman fight crime in my neighborhood ‘Robin?’ ‘Yes Batman?’ Didn’t we park the car right here man?’     Dave Chappelle

Two wrong don’t make a right, but three lefts do.     Jason Love